But mostly, I think thirty-five is what has me in a funk.
I loved turning thirty. My thirties have been amazing. I mean just this year alone I finished two novels. My life is on-track and my birthdays have not been bothering me. Yet now, I’m sitting back and cataloging my failures both real and imagined. We are making strides toward a house but the market isn’t great and we still don’t have enough saved for a down payment. I have my diabetes under control right now but my mortality is ever-present in my mind. Every year older reminds me that I probably won’t live to be very old. I’m not making any strides with my weight. We seem to have given up on keeping our house clean as my depressions tend to be contagious to my hubs. I’ve started getting frequent and alarming nose bleeds. My hair is frizzy. My skin is ruddy. Oh and our PS3 died.
Depression is nonsensical sometimes. Yes my mortality and my PS3 are equal things to be sad about in my crazy head.
In an attempt to be positive, here is a list of good things in my life: My BFF moved back from Mexico to Michigan. Hubs bought me the Supernatural edition of Clue with a gorgeous pic of Sam and Dean on the box. Our furnace quit running right before Christmas and one of Santa’s elves fixed it for free. I got some new outfits from Torrid. My mama sent me birthday cash. My nails are currently sparkling like the midnight sky. I started using over-priced Shea Butter lotion that smells like citrus and my nubby, rough elbows and forearms are smoother than they’ve been since childhood. I guess that’s what fifteen dollar lotion does. Our finances are looking pretty good and after three spare Christmas seasons, we have built up a nice bit of savings. My third and fourth books are being sorted out in my head and I’m also thinking a lot about my very first completed novel, my Detroit love story. I think it needs a total overhaul but I liked the characters and I think its salvageable. We have running vehicles, heat, electricity, food, money for medications, an insane amount of eyeshadow and nail polish… in short, life is good.
But I’m sad anyway.